I had a dream last night, about my first love. Her name was Judy, a small, thin, Chinese girl. (This is why I hold a torch for Asian girls, I think.) We were in Jr. High at the time. In the dream we were a couple. We were standing nude, in a large bathroom, like we had just gotten out of a sauna or something. She stood there, face distracted, arms wrapped around herself. I hugged her from behind, to comfort her, and felt that she had goosebumps. She clearly didn’t want to be there, with me. Despite the fact that our relationship was scripted, she rejected it.
When I was in Jr. High, I was a huge nerd, and completely incapable of having a conversation with her. She never knew I loved her. My good friend Jeff was everything in her eyes. Even though he had a girlfriend (who he married. They were a great couple) she only ever saw him.
One time, Jeff and I were playing chess after school, and Judy came in. Seeing her gaze lingering on him made me upset, and I said something hurtful. I didn’t mean it. However, for some reason, she thought he said it. She crumpled inside, and cried out “Jeff, how could you?” I immediately felt bad and corrected her misunderstanding by shouting “I said it! Not him.” She fled. I don’t think I ever spoke another word to her.
I still think of that moment. I have many regrets.